Postcards from the edge...

Opening Disclaimer - Kim and Gordie are fine, this post is not about them.

Opening Disclaimer 2 - I need to write, so I apologize for the babble, and fragmented sentences.

I have so much to get off my chest, but I just don't know how I can get the words out. So I write this as a form of therapy. There are things that I can put down in postcards that I can't bring myself to say out loud. Perhaps it's the 'anonymous' appeal in writing and posting. I know people are going to read this, however I'm not talking with any one person individually, and I'm not going to get an immediate 'awe, it's ok'. Don't get me wrong, I like knowing I have support, but I don't find it effective to discuss my problems with any one person - I like to just give the facts, and let myself resolve my own issues. In part I think I don't like attracting that kind of attention. It's like sandwiches, I'm very particular in the way I like these things - and working out my issues requires a particular approach.

I 'm sure it also has something to do with my recent events and how I have been the crisis manager, the crutch, the wall and support system. Me spilling my emotional angst (and receiving support) is quite different than the crisis management I have been doing, but the basic dynamic is the same. I know how it feels to be on the consoling end and I know what it does to that person. I know this is selfish, but truthfully, I don't think I care. It has been extremely hard on me to try and control a situation that I have no control over, and I will go over the edge if I experience one more tragic situation. The selfish part is that I don't have an opportunity to react to the situation how I want to, or how I need to in that particular moment. Obviously, I realize the person in need of support requires it more than I do, which is why I put myself out of the picture, but holy crap, it get's to you.

The whole Kim, emergency c-section, baby's breech thing was tramatic for me. Writing the story down really helped. Since then, I can think of the events that took place, and not have to swallow hard, and change my line of thinking. I may have over reacted, and anyone who wants to think that can go ahead and do so, but my mind is a mind that I have come to know. I know that whether I over or under reacted, I suffered shell-shock. That one incident was something, as I mentioned, that I can deal with, and have. Throw in the complications with Kim, and the stress of our new everyday life, taking time off work etc, and it made for a real exciting mind experiment - "How to become a grown up in 10 days or less".

Then last night happened. (I truthfully am not going for dramatic effect, this is just the way the words spilled out onto the page). My mom had a stroke - or something similar. She is stable now, and appears to have recovered, but the fact of the matter is before my very eyes and in my arms, at 12:30am, my mom needed help that I could not provide.

My mom has been helping out with Gord, Kim and I these past few days. At 11:30 thursday, she went to bed - feeling fine. Kim and I finished up with Gord, and came up to bed around 12:00. He needed another feeding and kim started nursing. Shortly after, I heard a rattle at our bedroom door. I thought it was The Dude, and when the door pushed open I sat up to kick him out. I was shocked to see my mom standing there, and asked "Steve, can I talk with you". Kim and I knew something was up, and I followed her into her room, where I continually asked her what was wrong. She was unable to provide me anything other than "I don't know", "I'm sorry Steve" and "I'm so scared".

Having realized she was showing symptoms of a stroke, I called 911. (Those commercials are quite effective - good job ontario health!) The ambulance arrived, and took her to the University Hospital. Out of respect for my mom, I will leave out the details of her affliction, but I can not leave out the state it put me in.

What are the odds that the two worst and most tramatic experiences one person have had in their life would happen within 2 weeks of each other!? Like with Kim's episode, I was not able to process what was taking place at the time. Once we were at the hospital, and she was showing signs of improvement, I started thinking of the worst case scenarios etc. I also realized how cruel life can be, and the impact that tragedy/loss can have on people. It made me promise myself that I would never put my family through it. I saw my end of days playing out in some remote hospital in some remote town in Europe somewhere, away from anyone who may care for me. I know that is not realistic, but I found myself getting quite angry at the whole process of life and death.

Music has such a profound impact on my life, in a narrative form, and I couldn't help but get a Jack Johnson song out of my head - the line "A brand new baby was born yesterday, just in time..." ... "why does new life make losing life, easier to understand...". It all seems overdramatic now, but for a while I felt like my life (and my mom's) was never going to be the same - and I'm sure in some form or other it won't. The hard part of it all was staying positive for my mom and telling her the complete opposite of what I was feeling/thinking while she is thinking/feeling the same things. Trying to keep her calm, while I am freaking out inside is something that I have come to be too familiar with... and I hate it.

...Well, I've had a sleep since writing the majority of the above, and my mom's condition has improved. They released her from the hospital and claimed she had a "TIA". There is still some follow up needed, but at least she is feeling (physically) better - (emotionally is a different story). I am very grateful, irregardless of what is going to happen in the future, that we now have the opportunity to regress, discuss what happened, and put the priorities of life in line moving forward. These things are usually short lived, but hopefully having a written record will help us all keep things in perspective, and not sweat the little things.

I feel better - as expected having written this (and most importantly due to the fact that she is released and stable).

Blabber blabber blabber... I think i'm done. Thanks for reading.